Better to have Loved
by LeeCan
Summary: Sarah pushes Chuck away only to see she's made a mistake.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: First story in the Brickroad Challenge. I may add a chapter or two to this. We'll see what everyone thinks.

It's Better to Have Loved and Lost

Chapter One

"Chuck, how many times do I have to tell you? We have to make this look convincing. I'm sorry if you're uncomfortable in this situation but you have to get use to it. It's a requirement for the job," I say looking at him from my side of the bed.

"I get that Sarah, but do we have to wear so little to bed?" Can't we wear pajamas?"

"This is our honeymoon Chuck. Carlson is liable to have people burst into our room. Do you really think we will be able to convince him we're on our honeymoon if we're in flannel?"

He looks into my eyes the whole time which I appreciate because with just a quick glance down there is a lot of me to see that he's never seen before. I pull the sheet up a little to try to cover me.

He's silent as he continues to stare at me. "It's just that this is hard for me."

I swallow the lump in my throat. "I know, it's hard for me too," I say putting it off to the nudity. I hope he lets me deflect this topic that he has broached with more and more frequency. No such luck for me though.

"Sarah, that's not what I'm talking about and you know it."

"Chuck…now's not the time. We've got a job to do." I know that will shut him up…for now. But this conversation will come to a head.

I've turned to lie on my back now staring at the ceiling. Without looking, I know that Chuck is doing the same thing.

_Sarah, there is only one thing to do in this situation. He's starting to wear you down. Before you know it, you will be telling him that you care for him but it's against the rules. Then you will say that you have to keep the relationship a secret. You know how that will eventually play itself out. There is only one thing to do here. He's painted you in a corner, and now is the time to act, as soon as this mission is over. _

I turn to look at Chuck who is still staring at the ceiling.

I'm missing him already.

With my head propped up on my arm, my elbow resting on my pillows, I soften my voice. "However this turns out, I want you to know that these nine months have been wonderful."

I shouldn't have said that. Chuck knows that something is up now.

"What are you talking about, 'however this turns out?" he says with a hint of anger in his voice. He grabs my arm at the shoulder, not aware that his forearm was touching my breast.

But I am aware of it.

I had been very careful in the past as I knew that Chuck had begun to grow on me. I stay away from situations that may tend to get out of hand. One thing we're taught at the CIA is to recognize the situation and know when to avoid a potential occurrence that you may not be able to control.

That time had just passed.

My breathing started to quicken, my eyes were closed as I felt his skin against mine. When I open my eyes, I'm staring into his.

Somewhere in the deepest recess of my mind, that part of me that could still think logically, I know is screaming to stop. But that voice was a tear drop in the ocean. Because at this moment, this modicum of time. I want one thing more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. If I had the ability to think with the training I had received and use rational thought I would have stopped what is about to happen. I would try to laugh it off or tell Chuck to get a cold shower. Something. But the fact is I don't have that ability. I don't even want that ability. With my desire for the man lying almost nude in the bed beside me drowning out every other thought I have I practically jump on him, my lips meeting his hungrily as we try to press our bodies ever closer together.

The first sensation that I am aware of is how good Chuck feels to me. Not just his hands but at ever juncture of our bodies, I can feel the pleasure of the touch of his skin on mine.

As our need becomes more urgent, we position ourselves to complete the mission. Chuck finally begins to scratch my itch. My God, this feels good. I've had sex before. There was Troy in high school, there was Joe in college and there was Bryce in the CIA. Then there were the actual missions. Some of the missions I actually enjoyed. But none of them compared to this.

Chuck has rolled on top of me. "Sarah, you're so beautiful, you feel so good to me," he said in the throws of ecstasy.

I suddenly am aware of how loud I'm screaming. "God don't stop," I heard myself saying.

Finally…it was over and he rolled onto his side of the bed. I am afraid to look at him. My god, what have I just done. I can't believe I could do something this stupid, this unprofessional.

I take a few seconds to think back to just how great that was. It was unbelievable.

"Sarah, that was…was…I have no words, except to say that I love you."

_Oh my God. What am I going to say to him now? Well you sure were a good-._

"Chuck, we've got to talk. This was a mis-"

"Don't you dare say that."

He looked at me with such pain in his eyes. I can't help but feel sorry for him. Not five minutes ago he was finally doing what he had dreamed about doing probably since we first met. And now. I'm telling him this is a mistake.

I'm feeling so guilty. Guilty for breaking his heart right now. Guilty for making love to him in the first place. I just can't believe I let this happen.

"Tell me one thing Sarah." He waits for me to look at him.

I know he's not going to continue until I do. When my eyes meet his it takes my breath away. I'm not sure what is happening and I sure don't understand why Chuck is having this impact on me.

"If you can tell me that what we just did means nothing to you…then I will never say another word about how I feel. I will never press you to be more than just a colleague. Because if that meant nothing to you…you're not who I think you are and you're not who I want."

If my heart could cry it would cry a river. Chuck has just presented me with a path out of this predicament I've found myself in. But in order to take it, I have to become someone he…I don't even know how to put the concept into words. Someone that means nothing to him I suppose.

"Chuck, what we have…our jobs I mean. They make everything…complicated."

"It's a simple question, Sarah. Does the fact that we just made love have any significance to you whatsoever?"

I know what I have to do. It's just that I don't think I can bear to do it. Sure, I can leave at four in the morning and never looking back. That's what I had just planned to do not more than thirty minutes ago. I know I could forever wonder how Chuck's life turned out. But that way I would never have to actually look into his eyes as he condemns me. I would never have to see him move on. I would never have to watch as he falls out of love with me knowing the whole time that I love him. Sometimes I really hate my job.

"It was great sex Chuck."


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: This is Chapter two of a three chapter story. I need to get back to Only Two Options.

Better To Have Loved

Private Journal Entry for September 29th, 2008

It's been five weeks since Chuck and I made love. True to his word, he's backed off. He's not been mean or spiteful like what I thought I would see but instead he's treating me like a colleague. Nothing more…nothing less.

At first, it was a relief not having to worry about when he would press me on my feelings for him. The first two weeks after the incident were actually the best since coming out to LA.

Professionally speaking of course.

But something happened two weeks ago that changed everything. It made it clear to me that Chuck was determined to get over me. In fact, what I'm afraid of most is that he already has.

Two weeks ago Casey, Chuck and I were standing in front of the video screen awaiting details of the next mission. I know Casey had noticed a change in Chuck's and my relationship because he stopped with the ribbing. I don't know if he and Chuck talked but I would highly doubt it knowing that Chuck would not talk about our intimate night with Casey…or anyone else for that mater.

Brian Dodson was the son of a wealthy businessman and had taken over the family business. And as it happens so many times in such cases Brian drove the business into the ground. The CIA believed he was using his business contacts to procure and sell illegally, military weapons and equipment that could be used for a military purpose.

I knew the day would come when I was ordered to get "close" to someone in order to further the mission. I really thought that that would be a window in the soul of how Chuck really felt about me. I thought he would come unglued.

The General outlined the plan. She was very specific about the details of the mission. She even gave me intel on his sexual preferences.

I watched Chuck from the corner of my eye. He either had completely gotten over me or he had recently gotten very good at hiding his true feelings. I was pretty sure the latter was not the case.

My eyes began to sting as I listened to Beckman order Chuck not Casey to man the surveillance site which would allow Casey to be nearby in case I ran into trouble and needed back up.

Chuck's response to Beckman?

"How long do I let it go without getting the Intel?"

It wasn't what he said…it was the way he said it. Completely professional and something in his tone said that if need be he was willing to let it go all the way for the needed information.

Beckman was still amused at the question.

"Bartowski, if need be we'll pick Walker up in the morning…Understood?"

"Understood."

I couldn't help it. At that moment it hit me that I've lost Chuck. That he really is capable of letting me spend the night with this total stranger all the while listening in as we make love. I ran from the room pretending to cough to mask the tears I was shedding.

I met up with my team outside the Buy More after spending fifteen minutes in the women's restroom balling my eyes out. I gave them the excuse that my stomach was upset. It was while I was in the bathroom that I came to know just how important Chuck had become to me. I didn't realize it until after I had lost him.

For the next week, I held hope in the back of my mind that when it came down to it Chuck would not be able to let me actually sleep with this guy. That he would find a way to put a stop to the evening activities without ruining the mission.

I watched him closely for any signs of jealousy or misgivings but there were none. It was like he had just turned off a switch and no longer loved me.

Much to my surprise, I found myself starting to think about him all the time. What was he doing and how was he feeling. I had no idea how much he had gotten under my skin. He was an itch that I could no longer get rid of and could not scratch.

The night of the mission was still something I thought might still show a hint of feelings for me from Chuck. I was determined to do everything I could to make him jealous. That included coming on to my mark unashamedly right after we ate in his house.

Twenty minutes later we're in bed together and I am pouring on the steam. All the while thinking to myself, come on Chuck give me something to hang on too. Something that says you still care.

Brian and I are heating up and just before things get messy, I have to use the drug that I have just for these occasions. Chuck isn't aware of its existence.

"Walker, are you OK?" Chuck asked me over the wire. It was a professional question.

"Are you finished? I mean what's going on?"

With those eight words I knew that Chuck was over me. As far as he knew, I had just made love to the mark. If I had tried to hide the truth from my eyes before the veil and been rent into, there was no use in denying the fact now, especially when they're starring you straight in the eye.

He had just let me fuck another man.

x-x

I finished the entry into my journal with tears in my eyes. I'm still in shock. I close my laptop and walk to the edge of my bed. Sitting down I look at the wall of my hotel room with no purpose.

I pick up my phone and begin to dial Chuck's number but then realize what I'm dong. I pitch the phone on the bed and collapse on it as well. I cry for fifteen minutes straight. How could I have been so stupid? I've let the only man I've ever known who truly loved me slip out of my life.

I lay there on my bed for a while not moving. I then reach for the phone again and dial a number.

"Casey, you got a second?"

"Walker, it's late and I'm tired."

"Just five minutes…it's important." I hear him let out an exasperated sigh.

"What is it, Walker?"

"I'm asking for a reassignment."

Silence.

"I knew something was up with you and Bartowski, mind telling me what's going on?"

"I'm afraid that'll take more than five minutes. If you want to know I'll come over?"

"Yeah, I'll make the popcorn, this will be better than the movies."

"I'm not in the mood, Casey…if you're gonna do that, forget it."

"Aw come on, Walker. Don't hold me to that. I can't help myself… come on over."

That was about as apologetic as Casey ever got. I cut him some slack. "Give me thirty minutes."

X-X

"You what?" Casey said after hearing me tell him why Chuck and I had been acting different.

"Look, I didn't mean for it to happen but we were in bed together practically naked. It just sort of happened."

"I'm not talking the sex Walker. I'm talking about what you said to him afterwards. Geeze, you really know how to hurt a guy. You do know that he'd been pinning after you for a year now, Right?"

"Casey, I know what I did to him. I just thought it was more important to maintain my professionalism. Are you telling me you disagree?"

"I don't disagree about the need to maintain professionalism with an asset. But Walker you lost that when you kissed him, let alone the rest. You had lost it by then. Once you spill the water you can't get it all back in the glass. You should have cut your loses and forged a new direction for the two of you. That or ask for a reassignment."

"That's what I'm going to do… ask for a reassignment. This is unbelievable to me how much this hurts. Not only to leave but the way I have to leave…and if I'm honest, who I have to leave."

Casey's silent for a while. I watch him as he fiddles with the fichus plant on the coffee table. "You know, we've made a good team. Out record is top five at least. I hate to give that up."

I see that what he's saying is hard for him. "Casey, if you've got any ideas on how to salvage this situation I am open to anything."

"I don't have a plan but I do know this…Bartowski is still in love with you. He's incredibly pissed and hurt but you don't turn off love like it was a switch."

I feel my eyes sting as I begin to hope for something that I thought was lost to me. "How can you be so sure?"

"Walker…we can't be that much of a mystery to you. We're pretty simple really. Don't try to over analyze us. Men are easy to figure out. We only want two things, you know what the first one is…when you figure out the second one…you're home free."

"Casey, what are you-"

"I've said all I'm going to say about it. You have to figure it out for yourself. In the meantime go ahead and ask for the reassignment. It will be a good gage to see just how pissed Bartowski is with you."

"But what if they reassign me immediately?"

"What did I just say about our record? Our bosses are bureaucrats. Do you think they will care one iota if you and Chuck are sleeping together as long as you keep them looking good? Now having just said that…it's harder to maintain results like we've had when there's sexual tension."

"That's what I've tried to avoid," I said sincerely.

"Walker, we've had sexual tension between you and Bartowski since day one. For some reason you two seem to be able to handle it."

"John, you're sure he still loves me?" It was the first time I had ever addressed him by his first name. I needed his reassurance.

He smiled at me with that smirky little half smile half shit-eaten-grin that I used to hate so much. Somehow it was beginning to grow on me. "I'd bet my life on that," he said.

I drove home thinking about what Casey had said. Men only want two things. He's right, the first one is easy to figure out but what is the second thing that all men want. It's not money; some men don't care about money. Is it the love of a woman? I'm sure that not every man craves that. What could it be?

I go to bed still considering Casey's words. How in the hell did Casey ever get so philosophical anyway. How would he know what all men want. It drove me crazy. Actually I don't care what all men want. I care only what Chuck wants. That's what I have to find out. A sense of peace overtakes me as I start to fall asleep. Something I've not felt in a number of weeks now.

Tomorrow I will ask to be reassigned. We'll see what happens then.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Because I didn't pay attention to the rules of the contest, I had to redo the story. For those of you who have read my profile, I am suspending my promise for this one story.

Better To Have Loved

Chapter 3

I wake up the next morning and decide that before giving Graham a call I have another call to make first.

Dialing the number, I listen to two rings before the familiar voice of Carina Hansen answers.

"Walker, what are you doing? Playing with your boy toy I bet?"

"Carina, can we talk?" She became serious the minute she heard me ask that question.

"Sure, what's up?"

"I'm thinking of leaving the CIA."

Silence.

"This is because of Chuck isn't it?"

"Yes, things aren't working out that well for us and I know he would be happier if I left."

"He might be happier but what about you?"

"You don't think I can be happy as a civilian?"

"That's not the question. The key word is happier. Will you be happier?"

"Well I don't know. We'll have to wait and see."

"Is Chuck demanding that you do this?"

"No, not directly?"

"What's that suppose to mean?"

"Chuck and I haven't really been together for a while now."

"You've got to be kidding me. You're going to quit the CIA to try and win him back? You're that far gone over Chuck?"

"If you would have asked me that question three weeks ago I don't know how I would have answered but today…I'm unequivocal. Yes, I'm that far gone. I'll do anything to get him back."

"Sarah, stop horsing around and just sleep with him. He'll follow you around like a puppy dog for the rest of your life…or until you get bored with him."

"That's your answer to everything…sex. For your information it was sex that got us into this situation."

"Oh, do tell?"

"No, I'm not telling you anything, except for the fact that it was exceptional."

"Exceptional, Sarah you're not talking about the performance of a car. You're talking about sex. You don't use words like exceptional."

"I don't know why I bothered calling you in the first place."

"I'll tell you why…to talk you out of it. Deep down, I know you Sarah. There's no way you will be happy as a civilian."

Carina's know-it-all attitude was getting under my skin. "We'll see about that. That is if he'll take me back."

"Look at you Sarah. You are one of the best spy's in the world. You do the heartbreaking, not a nerd like Bartowski."

"Carina, you'll never understand. Listen I've got to go. I'll talk with you later."

"Not if you leave the agency. Think hard about what you're getting ready to do…Sarah, women like you and I could never settle down with a guy like Chuck, at least not for the long haul."

"Goodbye Carina."

I dial the next number and count the rings, four this time.

"Graham here."

Director Graham, Sarah Walker. Do you have a few minutes?"

"You've got three minutes."

"I only need one. Sir, I would like to request a reassignment."

"Really, that's surprising. Can I ask why?"

"Things aren't working out here as well as I had hoped."

"It's Bartowski isn't it?"

"Sir, can I just have the reassignment?"

"No, it least not right now. I've got to think about it. Your team has done an exceptional job out there. Give me a couple of weeks to think about options. We'll talk later. I've gotta run."

"Thank you sir." Casey was right. There is no way he's letting me out of here.

I take a shower and get dressed, going over in my mind what I'm going to say to him.

I pull in front of the Bartowski apartment building and my heart rate starts to increase when I see his little car parked out front. I know he's there. Taking a moment to compose myself, I open the car door and walk up to his apartment door.

I knock on the door and just about jump out of my shoes when I hear the door knob turn and the door swings open. Chuck is standing in the doorway in a pair of gray sweatpants and no shirt.

"Walker…what are you doing here?"

I continue to stand outside as he makes no move to let me in. "Can I come inside for a second. I've got something I need to discuss with you."

"A new mission. What's it going to be this time?"

"No, it has nothing to do with missions."

"I don't understand, what do you want to talk about?"

"Can I come in?"

"Sure…sorry." He steps away from the door and I step inside. He continues to stand and doesn't offer me a seat.

I stand about four feet away from him. I allow my eyes to take in his bare chest before beginning. Not really knowing how to begin, I just state the facts. "Chuck I wanted you to know that I've requested to be reassigned."

He took on an unusual expression but said nothing.

"Don't you have anything to say?"

"Like what? You want me to beg you stay…plead with you that I won't be able to go on without you. All I can tell you is don't hold your breath."

His words sting and I feel my eyes flood. "No, I didn't expect you to beg me to stay. I know I've hurt you and I'm sorry." I think back to my conversation with Casey. He's sure that Chuck is still in love with me. This is probably the hardest thing I've ever done. "Chuck, I just wanted you to know before I leave that I am in love with you." After I say it I can hardly swallow. My eyes overflow and my whole world depends on what he says next.

"Sarah, what are you up too? Did Graham put you up to this?"

"I don't understand?"

"Do you really expect me to believe that after a year of me pining for you only to find out how you really think of me, and now for some reason, you have a complete change of heart and …you love me? How stupid do you think I am?"

"Chuck, I was lying to you after making love to you. We were not supposed to do that. I was trying to keep things right with my job."

"Sarah, how can I ever trust you? How will I know for sure that you're telling me the truth now? There will always be some doubt. Do you really want a relationship with that doubt ever-present?"

I don't know what to say to him. Somewhere deep inside me I know that I have to tell the truth, the absolute truth. As hard as it for me, I respond the only way I have a chance to get through to him.

"What I want is you. All that other stuff…I'm not saying it won't be hard, but give us a chance. Please Chuck…gives us this chance."

For the first time since the incident, I see Chuck start to waiver. I press on hard.

"Chuck, if I walk out that door, we'll never see each other again. I'll leave and never be back." I knew the minute I saw his eyes that I had made a mistake. Threatening Chuck with leaving forever just made him hard again.

"Walker, what do you want of me?" he said the bitterness shining through the leftover tears.

I know that I am close to losing him. I know that I've been as open and honest as I know how to be. I know that I am still losing him. In fit of desperation born out of understanding that I might leave LA without him, I lunge toward him wrapping my arms around his chest and squeezing hard as I can the side of my face pressed tightly against his chest. "I want you to hold me…hold on to me. I want you to love me for the rest of your life."

He stood rigid in my arms as I held on to him. When he started to extricate himself from my grasp, I backed away. Tears were streaming down my face. I didn't know what else to say. Looking into his eyes I tell him the only thing I have left to say.

"Don't let me walk out that door, Chuck. I'm begging you; please…don't let me walk out that door."

X-X

It had been a long and arduous six years.

After walking out Chuck's door that day in September, 2008, I went into deep cover. Graham didn't want to reassign me but I gave him no choice. Either reassign me or loose me.

Since that day I've completed two missions. One was in Asia and the other in South America. Both were very dangerous and both were completely successfully.

I thought by now that I would have gotten over Chuck but I still think of him every day. After completing my debriefing and a mandated counseling session, I had planned to ask for another deep cover mission. But it was the seemingly off-handed comment from the Psychiatrist that got me wondering.

I had never considered going back to LA. I knew it was not in my best interest. At this point, I just tried to make it through the day as best as I could.

"Agent Walker, you should take some time off, at least a week to recharge the batteries."

"You know Doc; I think I'm going to do that. It's been a while since I have had any time to relax."

"I think a week here on the East Coast will do you good."

Most people would not have caught it. But in my line of work I have gotten very good at reading between the lines. She may not have even been aware that she was telling me to avoid the West Coast. I don't know. But I couldn't stop thinking about. I know who's on the West Coast that the Doc doesn't want me to see. For the life of me I can't understand why.

After being cleared for my time off, I book a flight out to LA as soon as I can. Once I start to think about seeing Chuck again, it overpowered my thinking. I am so excited to see what he had done with his life.

In the back of my mind I realize that there is a real possibility that he is married by now and may even have a family.

Although it hurt to think of him with another woman still, I had to know for myself how this wonderful man's life turned out. It hurt my heart to think just how close I was to being the woman who he would share it with. With much effort I pushed that thought out of my mind.

Sitting on the flight, I try to sleep most of the way there. I think of Ellie and Devon and wonder how they are doing. I even think of Chuck's goofy friend Morgan and I wonder if he stayed with Ana.

Finally, I am able to get to sleep but the last thing I remember thinking of is the wonderful smile that Chuck always had for me whenever he first saw me. It made my heart sing every time I saw it.

I wonder who he's smiling at now.

X-X

Having stepped off the plane and renting a car, I take the time to enter in the address of one Charles Bartowski into my GPS. My excitement grows to the point that I want to scream just to release some tension.

According to the GPS, I have about an hour drive so I settle in and follow the directions given to me. With an hour to think about the year that we spent together, I thought about most of the happiest times we shared. I remember the first kiss. I remember the constant flirting that Chuck would always initiate. Finally, I remember the night we made love. I tread careful here because that night was a highpoint and a lowpoint.

I try to think of something else to think of when the GPS announced that I had arrived at my destination.

Wow, I think to myself. Chuck's done OK for himself as I notice the surroundings. He has one of the nicer homes in a very nice neighborhood. I have to admit that I am happy for him and very impressed.

My heart is racing as I get out of the car and cross the street. Stepping up on the front porch I pause for just a second before knocking on the door. My heart had now climbed up to my throat. My breathing feels as though I've just finished a marathon.

I imagine what he's going to look like when he opens the door. It's hard for me to imagine what six years has done to his face.

When I hear the doorknob turn, I almost jump out of my shoes and feel a sense of deja vu. I briefly think why did I come here as a sudden jolt of fear seizes my heart.

When the door opened fully and I looked at the occupant of the home, I couldn't form a coherent thought. Nothing made sense.

"Carina? What are you doing here?"

"Hi, Sarah. Come in," she said smiling nervously. It is clear she expected to see me.

I numbly follow her into the house. I'm still completely baffled why she would be at Chuck's house to greet me. Then a terrifying thought strikes me.

"Is Chuck OK? Has he been hurt on a mission?"

"Chuck's fine, Sarah. Everything is fine….but there are a lot of changes that are going to be difficult for you to understand."

"What changes? Carina tell me what's going on?" My anger starts to rise with my confusion.

Just then an auburn haired little girl walks into the room. "Mommy, I'm hungry."

"OK sweetie, I'll fix you a snack." She turns to look at me with the briefest of smiles.

"Sarah, do you know who this is?" Carina said.

Both the little girl and I answer her at the same time. "Who."

Carina glanced at me and smiled. "This is an old friend of your daddies and mine."

It took a moment for those words to register. I look at Carina and begin to back towards the door shaking my head in complete disbelief.

"Sarah wait. Let me explain."

"You and Chuck?" That was all I could get out.

Before I can make it to the door, Carina took three quick steps towards me and grabbed my hand. "Sarah, this is not what you think."

"Oh yeah, you want to know what I think it is… I think that you and Chuck are married and have a little girl. How's that? Is that what it is, Carina?" I'm mad and hurt and confused and a million other emotions fill my mind at once.

Still holding on to my hand with her left hand she looks at her wedding ring. "Yeah, Sarah, that's exactly what it is but I didn't set out to steal him from you…it just happened."

"I can't believe this. Wasn't it you that said women like us could never be happy with someone like Chuck?"

"I said that but I was wrong…Sarah, I'm not the same person I was six years ago."

"Neither am I Carina. I've been through a shit storm for the last six years. All to forget Chuck and how I could never have someone like him." As angry as I am at Carina, I still cannot stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks. To my amazement, I see tears flowing down hers as well. I'd never seen Carina cry before.

"Sarah, as happy as I've been these last five years, there's been a part of me that feels guilty about how this turned out. But I've done nothing wrong."

"Let go of my hand Carina," I say my voice low and dangerous.

"No, you have got to understand what's happened here. It's for your own good as well as mine…and ultimately for Chuck's too."

I jerked my hand from hers. "Let go of me,' I yell as I turn to the door. But her words echo in my ears and I wonder how my staying might help Chuck. I hesitate with my hand on the door. I turn and look her in the eyes again. The anger was oozing out of my body and with it the strength I needed to fight. Finally, all I'm left with is hurt and pain and humiliation. I let go of the door.

"What do you want me to do Carina? Come in and have tea while you tell me all about your wonderful life with **my man**?" I yelled the last of it at her.

She turned to the little girl. "Honey, go play in your room and mommy will bring you a snack in a little while"

I felt bad then yelling at Carina in front of her little girl.

"Sarah, we both know that we are going to have to have this conversation. If now is not the right time then soon. You decide," she said walking into the kitchen.

She's right. We do need to have this conversation. I follow her to see what she's doing. I'm amazed to see her pull out a loaf of bread, peanut putter and jelly. She then went about making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich as she started a difficult conversation.

"It was about five years ago now. I found myself in West LA just killing time before a meeting I had set up. I ended up at a book store. You can imagine my surprise when I ran into Chuck. He had a girl with him. It pissed me off that he had already replaced you in his life. I ended up giving him a pretty hard time."

"What was Chuck doing in a bookstore? I've never know him to read much."

Carina set the sandwich down on the countertop and looked at me with an odd smile. "You've missed a lot you know. I can't tell you how sorry I am. Chuck is a writer. He writes espionage novels. His lead character is a hot blonde spy named Samantha Walker. He's working on his forth in the series."

I can't help but laugh but without humor. "So that's how you afford to live in a place like this?"

"He's been on the best sellers list with every book."

"Carina, get back to the part where you and Chuck hook up," I say seriously.

"Hold on," she says and takes the sandwich and a glass of milk into another room.

I take the time to look around the house. It is very nice. Top of the line appliances and top of the line furniture. I just can't believe that Carina lives here with Chuck. That they are married. My thoughts start to drift down that dark path when Carina returns.

"Where was I? Oh yeah, so Chuck asked to see me later that night. Right in front of this girl he was seeing. She got pissed but he didn't care. He wanted to find out if I had any information about you."

"Did you see him?"

"Yes, after I finished up with work, I stopped by to see him at his apartment. He had just moved in. I knew what he wanted to know so I tried to find out anything that I could about what you were doing or where you might be. As you know it was highly need-to-know. I had to tell him that I knew nothing."

"What I don't see Carina is how you went from there to having romantic thoughts about Chuck…he's just not your type."

"Was he your type before you knew him?"

I have to admit she's right. I would have never dreamed of going out with a guy like Chuck before I knew him. "You haven't answered my question."

"Look, it started out by Chuck taking me out to dinner a couple of times when I was in town. Before I knew it, about six month later…I was head over heals in love with him. I could give you the details but you don't need them. You know how Chuck is."

"How long have you been married?"

"It'll be five years next month."

"I don't understand. Sarah looks to be about six years old?"

"She is. She's my sister's daughter. My sister and her husband were killed in an automobile accident. Chuck and I adopted her when she was 16 months old."

"You don't have children of your own?"

Carina hesitated for a moment. "No, I can't have children and I doubt if you can too. It's the birth control implant they gave us. It works a little too well. Every woman I know who had it is sterile."

I laugh bitterly. "That will have no impact on my life Carina. Surely you know that?"

Sarah, I can't tell you how sorry I am that everything turned out this way for you. Knowing how I feel about Chuck, I can easily imagine how you feel. But I didn't plan on this happening and I've got to tell you that as much as I feel for you, I don't ever intend on knowing first hand how you feel."

Oh, there was a clear implied threat in those words. She was telling me that she would not let me come in here and try to steal her man.

I didn't respond. I just looked at her incredulously. "Look, I need to get out of here. I don't need this." I say turning towards the door.

"Sarah wait. Chuck will be here soon. If he finds out you've been here without staying to see him, he will go out looking for you. Please…stay."

The last thing I wanted to do was to wait here in this happy house with the happy wife and their happy kid. It was all too perfect…it was everything I imagined for Chuck and me.

"How long do you think he'll be?"

"There he is now," Carina said walking towards her daughter's bedroom. "Sarah, we're going for a ride. Would you like that?"

In an instant she emerged from the bedroom holding the little girls hand and they went out the front door.

Almost simultaneously, the back door opened and there he was. Yeah, a little older looking but more mature. He had filled out and he was dressed in very expensive business casual clothing.

"Sarah, Carina told me you were coming."

I had no words. Nothing by which to tell him how good he looked to me. To tell him that he kept me going through the long dark days for the last six years. I wanted to tell him that I loved him with all my heart. But on the shelf just to the side of him was a picture of the Bartowski family. Chuck, Carina and Sarah. He had no room in his life for my love.

He walks slowly towards me. His eyes never leaving mine.

"Sarah, I never thought I would see you again," he said with sadness. He finally got close enough to touch me and grabbed my right hand with his left. When our hands touched, I felt a jolt of electricity just like I used to. I know he felt it too by the look on his face.

"How have you been?" he said sincerely.

I didn't want to sound bitchy but it was just too much for me standing in his house knowing that just down the hall was the master bedroom that he shared with Carina. I ignored his question. I pulled my hand from his and took a step away from him.

"So, tell me again how long it took you to jump in bed with Carina after you threw me out of your apartment?" My voice was loud and angry. I see that he is surprised.

"You're mad at me? Are you telling me that this is my fault that you walked away leaving me with no way to contact you…for six years? Having to wonder every day how you were or whether you were alive. If you really cared for me or was it all just the job."

I am taken aback by his statement but I am not ready to concede defeat. "You could have stopped me from leaving. You knew that once I left I would be gone for a very long time."

"And how was I to know that? Your whole life was a lie. At least it could have been. I didn't know anything. For the next month, I waited for you to come back. I begged Casey and Graham and even Beckman for anything. But they wouldn't give me any information. How was I to know that a rash decision made because my heart was breaking would cost me the love of my life?"

I was stunned by his last statement. "What did you just say?" I watched him calm down.

"Sarah, surely you know what you meant to me. Please tell me that you haven't spent these six years thinking that I didn't love you?"

My eyes overflowed again. "I begged you not to let me leave…I begged you."

"I was hurt. I had no idea that I wouldn't see you again for six years."

I walk away from him. The pain was too much to handle. All of this could have been mine if we would have been just a little more patient with each other.

I finally decide to answer his question. "I was not sure if you loved me these last years but I never stopped loving you."

His eyes now began to water. He actually sobbed and quickly put his hand to cover his face. Regaining composure, he looked me in the eye. Striding towards me, he took me in his arms and kissed me tenderly. I remembered why I loved his kisses. I knew at that moment that I would never find another like Chuck.

With our faces still close together, he began to speak. "Sarah, I don't care what we have to do. Let's find a way to be together. We can run away take on assumed names and-" He stopped talking when he heard what he was saying. Slowing, he pulled away from me so that he could look into my eyes. I know he saw in my expression the same understanding that there was no way for us to be together again. He lost his composure again but just briefly which caused my tears to flow. We each brushed away the tears of the other and laughed and cried as we did so.

He grabbed both of my hands reminding me of a time spent on a rooftop. It seemed like two lifetimes ago. Stepping back he looked at me as if he was committing my face to memory. "What are you going to do now," he asked softly.

I looked away from him. "I'll probably go deep cover again," I said and listened to another sob from him.

"Sarah, don't do that. It's my turn to beg you now. Don't do that. You can do so many things. Leave the CIA and find something to do that will make you happy."

I just smile at him. He's still naïve, I think.

"At least think about it?"

"OK," I say honestly and turn towards the door.

"Whatever you decide to do, I don't want this to be the last time I see you. Promise me that you will come back." He said putting his hand on my shoulder as we walked.

"We'll see. It's hard to make promises like that," I say.

I hear the garage door open and know that Carina has given us all the time she intended to give us. I open the big wooden door and then the heavy outer door. It was completely made of glass that had to be an inch thick. When the door closed behind me I turned around and stared at Chuck. He was staring at me. He put his hand to the glass door and held it there. I put my hand on his from the other side and watched our hands. I then saw his head turn and knew that Carina had entered the room. He soundlessly mouthed the words _goodbye_ and closed the door.

I walk slowly to the car knowing that Carina is watching me leave. I don't understand why this had to turn out the way it did. When I get into the car I pick up the phone and dial Graham intending to ask for my next reassignment.

When he answered the phone, I remembered what Chuck asked me to do. And in the blink of an eye made a decision.

"Walker, you ready to get back to work yet?" he said.

"Sir, I'm giving two weeks notice. I intend to take those two weeks with vacation time I've accumulated. At some time before I'm done, I'll fill out the necessary paperwork. I close the connection when I hear him start to argue with me. Turning off the phone and throwing it in the passenger seat, I sit behind the wheel.

Which way should I go? I could be on a plane to anywhere or I could drive in any direction. With Chuck's words still ringing in my ears, I know that I will never find the happiness that I could have had with him. But that doesn't mean I can't find happiness. After all, he has.

I pull out of his driveway and a smile comes to my face for the first time in years. Life is out there and I'm going to grab a big slice of it.

Thank you, Chuck. I owe you my life.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I have completely redone chapter three. If you would indulge me, please reread that chapter and then comment on chapter four for the redone chapter three. (What did he say?)

Now that I've cleared that up, I hope you like the story. Oh, and by the way, it may not be as happy as I like but its happier than the original chapter 3.

GCG -I hope I meet the criteria this time. I don't think I can squeeze out another story from the first two chapters.

Thanks,

LeeCan


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I'm sorry, even though the story is probably stronger left alone I could not leave it as it was. Which left me with a bit of a problem. As you will read it was not easy bringing this story to a happy ending for Chuck and Sarah. I did the best I could and I hope you like it.

Better To Have Loved

Chapter 5

"That's rich coming from you Walker. You're the most reckless one out of all of us."

"That's not true Dennis, Kristen is far more reckless than I am. Hell, even Jeff is more reckless than me," I say looking at the group around the table.

"Somebody's blood pressure is rising," Jennifer said laughing.

"Jennifer, when my blood pressure starts to raise you will know it. Can we get another round here?" I ask the waitress from across the bar.

"Seriously guys, we have got to finalize plans for our next adventure. I say we go to Africa," William said.

"I've been to Africa already, I think we should go to Antarctica, Kristen said.

"See I told you Kristen was more reckless than me," I said. "We could always climb Everest."

I look around the table at the group of people who have become my best friends. Six years ago I lost the love of my life to my best friend at the time. But it was Chuck that told me to go out and carve out a piece of life for myself. It took me a while to figure out what I wanted to do but I finally decided. And now…I sit here with six people that I trust with my life …literally. They are my friends. They are more than friends but I don't have words for our relationship. We've run with the bulls at Palermo, We've swam the English channel, we've even retraced Amelia Earhart's flight. What we're trying to figure out today is what adventure we are going to attempt next.

"Would you two settle down? You're drawing attention to our table," I say to Dennis and Jennifer who are in a heated debate about something.

"And that from the topless bull runner of Palermo," Bill said.

"I wasn't topless and it was a bet," I say seriously.

"Bet or not, I've got the footage at my house. Dennis, Bill and I still watch it every now and then." Jeff said smiling at everyone around the table.

The girls at the table all said in unison, "Ick."

"Kristen, are you coming over this Thursday? Seriously, I need your advice on this web design I'm working on," I say but in the back of my mind I hear Jeff and Dennis talking.

"Man, that's too bad about the writer guy. I've read some of his books and he was good."

I pull my attention from Kristen to hear what Dennis is saying somehow realizing that it is important to me.

I completely stop my conversation with Kristen to look at Dennis. I notice that he is looking at the TV. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone as I turn my head towards the TV in what seems like slow motion. Somewhere in the back of my mind I already know what's being discussed. It took a second for me to focus on the announcer.

"That's right Barry. Authorities are not releasing any information but we have learned-

At that point the bar got loud and I could not hear what was being said.

"Shutup," I screamed at the top of my lungs coming up out of my chair knocking it over as well as the pitcher of beer we had at our table. I move at least three people out of my way as I make my way to the bar. "Turn that up. Did anyone hear who was on board the plane? Did he say a writer?"

The way I left my table and the way I bulled my way to the bar causes every eye in the place to rest on me. I don't care. For some reason, I already know who was on board the plane and I am in a near state of panic. I know my friends have never seen me act this way and are concerned.

"Jonathan," I say to the bartender. "Have they said who is on board the plan?" I say in the complete quietness of the bar as everyone is listening to the drama that I have created.

I hear various people from my table behind me. "Sarah, are you OK?" I don't pay any attention.

I keep my attention on the TV and wait for Jonathan to answer.

"Yeah, they say it's that writer guy and his family. You know the spy guy. What's his name…Bartowski, that's it."

At the sound of Chuck's name I let out a wail of despondency that was eerier than a lone wolf's howl in the timberline.

Slumping to my knees, I collapse to the floor. Everyone from my table is there to help me in an instant. "Sarah, are you OK?" Dennis asks getting to me first.  
I ignore him and everyone else. Somehow I know I need to get to LA. Somewhere in the back of my mind I heard the announcer say that Chuck's wife and daughter are confirmed dead. Chuck's condition is unknown.

I feel that old need to be with Chuck and protect him. Just like our days in the CIA.

"Help me up…help me up," I say with more determination when no one moved to help. Kristen reached out her hand and pulled me to my feet. Pulling the phone from my pocket, I call a number that I've not dialed in six years but I will never forget that number.

"Graham…Sarah Walker. I need a lift to LA. Can you help?"

Thirty minutes later, after making the necessary logistical arrangements, I'm on board a CIA jet and have left my friends with a million unanswered questions. Right now the only thing that maters is that I get to LA and see Chuck. I just have to know that he is OK.

X-X

Two and a half hours later I'm walking through the doors of Cedar Sinai hospital. I practically sprint up to the information area.

"Can you tell me what room Chuck Bartowski is in?" I ask looking around for anyone I might know.

"I'm sorry; we can't give out that information…unless you're part of the family?"

"I'm his sister," I say knowing that lying is the only way to see him.

"Miss…I know his sister. She works here. You are not his sister."

Thinking fast, I almost cringe as I did deeper into the lie. "I'm his sister in law…Carina was my sister," I say and watch the hard expression on the lady turn to sympathy. I feel a little dirty knowing that I've deceived her this way. I haven't done this sort of thing since I left the CIA.

"I am so sorry. Mr. Bartowski is in room 534…go down this hall and the elevator is on the right. Give this to the nurse's station and they will tell you where you can wait. They will update you there on Mr. Bartowski's condition."

I find the elevator and wait for it to return after hitting the up button. When it does, I step in along with three other people. I don't know any of them so I look in the mirror that adorns the walls of the elevator.

The person I see on the outside is very similar to the person who left Chuck's house six years ago. The only discernable difference being slightly shorter hair, other than that I look the same. The real difference between that Sarah and the Sarah in the elevator is that I am now a happy person. No, I'm not as happy as if I would have had Chuck these last six years but I took his advice and I know he would be happy for me knowing that I am content with my life. I'm smiling at the thought when the elevator door opens at the fifth floor. I get out without looking at the other passengers and find the nurses station to intensive care.

As I walk to the nurse's station, I understand Chuck's room is down the hall to my left. Just as I stopped to stand in front of the station, I notice someone walking towards me from the direction of Chuck's room.

Ellie has already noticed me and has a bewildered look on her face. I can't tell if its surprise or dread but I see that whatever emotion her expression shows is strong.

I ignore the nurses behind the counter and turn to face Ellie. "How is he?" I say.

She must have seen the complete desperation on my face or heard it in my voice because she answered me without any preceding questions of her own.

"He is going to live," she said simply.

I had to reach out and grab the top of the nurse's station to stay on my feet my relief was that profound. Ellie moved quickly to grab my arm.

"Here come over here and sit down," she said guiding me to a small waiting area.

I covered my face with my hand embarrassed by the tears streaming down my cheeks. I guess I had bottled up all this emotion knowing that it would hinder me from getting to Chuck. And now that I know he will survive, it just came flooding out of me like a tsunami.

Ellie waited until I had composed myself before she began. She still seemed puzzled not only by my appearance but by my reaction as well.

"Sarah, I've gotta tell you that I'm surprised to see you after all this time. What are you doing here?"

Still wiping at my eyes, I look at her before speaking. "Ellie, I had to come. I had to know that Chuck was going to be alright."

Ellie is a smart woman and I see that she knows I didn't really answer her question.

"Where have you been, Sarah?"

"I live in Boston. I work as a web designer there."

"I see, that's great," she says.

I can tell that she is trying to find a way to ask the question she really wants an answer to and I decide to help her out. "Ellie, you asked what I'm doing here…the truth is that I'm still in love with Chuck even after all these years. I just had to know that he was OK."

I know she suspected my feeling for him but hearing me say it clearly has her confused.

"I don't understand…why did you leave if you still love him?"

"Looking back at it now, I can't really answer that. It was the biggest mistake I've ever made or will make for that mater."

Ellie clearly had more questions for me but realized I needed to hear about Chuck.

"He's got some broken bones…the collar bone's giving him the most discomfort."

"How is he otherwise?"

She knew what I was asking.

"He's devastated Sarah. He's going to live and doesn't want to."

It hurt me more than I can say to hear that Chuck was in so much pain.

"Can I see him?"

"I don't know. I don't know how he would react to seeing you. I know he still loves you. As much as Carina tried, she could not erase the love he felt for you."

"Ellie, I used to blame Carina for coming between Chuck and I but I've come to know that the only one to blame is myself. You know to this day I can't see Chuck and Carina together. I could never see her changing her ways and I know Chuck would not put up with the Carina I knew."

"I'll be honest with you, Sarah. I never really liked Carina. We looked at life so differently and I just felt that she always saw the bad in people. I know she had an impact on Chuck that way. Early on, before they got married, I use to hope that you would show up and send Carina packing.

Ellie looked at me and then quickly added. "Don't get me wrong. Carina was a good person and she did ease the hurt in Chuck's heart when you left. For that I will always be thankful. Much to my surprise, she was a fantastic mom to Sarah."

"I couldn't believe they named their daughter Sarah when I first heard about it but then I learned that that was already her name and it made more sense to me."

Ellie laughed without humor. "Sarah was her middle name. Her first name was Emily. When Chuck learned that her middle name was Sarah he insisted on calling her that. Carina went along with him reluctantly."

"Ellie, can you at least tell Chuck that I'm here and that I would like to see him. If he says no then I will understand," I say knowing that if he says no, I will be devastated as well.

"I'll let him know, but don't be too upset if he says no."

I can't imagine him refusing to see me. It will tell me that I've truly lost something that I've tried to hang onto at least in my fantasy. I wait while Ellie is gone hoping and praying that Chuck does not turn me away.

The five minutes that she was gone seemed like fifty and as she walked towards me I could not read from her expression what his answer was.

She sat back down and looked me in the eye for a moment before beginning. "He'll see you. But I've got to warn you Sarah, he's a broken man. Little Sarah meant everything to him. And…he loved Carina dearly."

"I understand. I just want him to know that I'm here for him. If he ever needs anything now or in the future, I want him to know he can come to me."

Ellie smiled at me but said nothing. She got up and led me to Chuck's room. When she opened the door I couldn't help but show the dismay that I felt when I first saw him. It wasn't the physical injuries that rent open my soul; it was the mental and spiritual anguish that I saw upon his countenance. I could not stop the tears from flowing the second I saw him. I still felt like his protector and I had failed to protect him from life. It was irrational I know. Everyone has their share of good and bad in life. For some the pendulum is tilted a little more to the happy side and for some a little more to the unhappy. Until now, Chuck's life had been pretty good I thought. Clearly now for Chuck the pendulum had swung completely to the unhappy.

And there is nothing I can do about it.

"Chuck, you've got a visitor. Sarah's here to see you," Ellie said trying to get us both through the awkward introduction.

"Hey Chuck, how are you doing?" I cringe at such an inane question.

"Hi Sarah," he said without emotion.

I think I see something in his eyes that tells me he's happy that I came. It gives me hope to go on.

"Chuck, I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you. If you need anything, just let me know, OK?"

He shook his head almost imperceptibly. "Sarah, could you stay for a while. Sit down beside me here," he said pointing to the chair beside the bed.

"I'll let you two talk," Ellie said. She gave me a little smile as she left the room, a smile that said thank you for coming. Thank you being here for my brother.

I sat down and looked at him. With all the scratches and bruises that covered his face, I really couldn't tell how he had aged over the time I had last seen him.

"Are you in pain?" I asked. I immediately hope that he knows I'm talking about physical pain.

"No, I've got this handy little button right here… takes away all the pain."

I hear sarcasm in his voice and am a little sad because it is not like the Chuck I use to know to use biting sarcasm.

"Chuck, I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could do for you."

He must have saw how desperate I was to make him understand.

"Sarah, it's enough that you came. After all this time and…everything that's happened between us. I didn't expect it."

I'm a little hurt by his comment but I'm not the focus here.

"Chuck, if I live to be one hundred years old." I take a deep breath to compose myself, the emotion came from nowhere. I didn't get a chance to finish because Chuck must have noticed and realized what I was going to say.

"Thanks Sarah," he said meeting my eyes for the first time with any conviction. "Would you stay even if I fall asleep?"

"I'll be here when you wake up…I promise."

X-X

Over the next two days I stay with Chuck. We had agreed that he would need some time and that me being around during that time was confusing to him. We talked about possibly getting together in the spring. He said he would call me. I waited for him to ask for my phone number but he never did.

I know if I leave here without giving him my number I will most likely never see him again and that this was just a sweet reminiscing and nothing more.

"Ok, I've got a plane to catch," I say bending down to kiss him on the cheek. "When you get some things sorted out give me a call," I say hoping he asks for my number.

"You know I will," he said.

I give him a small sad smile at his answer. "OK then, I've got to go. You take care of yourself Chuck Bartowski," I say as I open his door.

When the door closes behind me the feeling of overwhelming sadness coincides with a burst of hope as I think I hear Chuck yell my name. Opening the door to stick my head back inside the room, I say, "Did you say something?"

"How am I supposed to contact you? You've not said where you live or given me your phone number.  
I smile brightly at that. "The names Sarah Walker and I'm in the book…Boston.

Oh and Chuck. I am looking forward to that call," I say smiling as I let the door close.

I've already said my goodbyes to Ellie and Devon and as I get into the elevator to go to the lobby, the phone rings and I smile when I see it's Dennis on the line.

"Will you guy's give me a break?"

"Hey, I'm calling for the group and we're just concerned about you. Would you really prefer if we didn't call you at all?"

"No, but calling every two hours for three days is too much," I say smiling because really I love it that they care so much about me. "Hey, I'm coming home. I'll be home by eight tonight."

"You want me to bring the group over?"

"Absolutely not. But what I would like is for you all to meet this guy."

"I knew it. I've told everyone that it was a guy. Kristen will be floored. She said it was family."

"Look, he won't be coming for a while but when he does, I want you all to be nice…Dennis…I really like this guy. OK?"

"Yeah, I get that Sarah. We'll be nice, I promise."

"Good, in the meantime when I get home I'll tell you all about him. We've got some history."

"Sarah?"

"What?"

"Can I show him the tape from Palermo?"

"I'll be taking that tape when I get home…you understand?" I say as I listen to his laughter on the other end of the phone.

I've lived for a long time without the love of my life. I am committed now that if I get the opportunity, I will make the most of it. For now, I'm going home and waiting for that phone to ring. Deep in my spirit I know that it will.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Hello everyone: Well it's been a long time but this is one of those stories that I was just not happy with. Keep in mind as you read it, if you read all of it. That it was written as part of an angst story challenge. Anyway, I took the time from the book I'm working on to finish this. I hope that it satisfies. If I would have had more time I think I could have made it really good but I'm pleased with it as it is. Hope you are too.

Better to Have Loved

Chapter Six

It's Sunday afternoon and I'm where I've been for the past five years on Sunday afternoon, in my condo in downtown Boston. Around my dinning room table are the five people in this world that I've grown to love like I'd never thought possible. Without exception, I trust every one of them with my life and conversely, I would give my life for all of them.

A little more than six years ago, upon leaving Chuck and Carina's home, I thought my life was over. But Chuck challenged me to make a new life for myself. Something about what he said and the way he said it, touched me. And so I've dedicated myself to finding happiness. This may not be the ultimate happiness I could have had all these years with Chuck, but I am happy.

Oh, it took a while. First, I had to figure out what I wanted to do as a second career. I had taken Chuck's advice and left the CIA. I needed to find something to do with my time. I went back to school and became a web designer. It was actually at B.C. that I met Dennis. He was taking a welding class because he wanted to build his own elevator. He lived on a cliff overlooking a river and wanted a quick and safe means to get to the bottom. He couldn't find anyone to do it so being the mechanical engineer that he was, from Purdue, and he never missed an opportunity to tell you how good the engineering school is there, he built it himself.

Dennis introduced me to Bill, Jeff, and Jennifer. We hit it off immediately, having shared a love for adventure and the means to pursue that love. We met Kristen that same summer white water rafting. Three months later, Kristen moved from the West Coast to Boston and we've been together ever since.

Kristen is some kind of Materials Engineer, Jeff, and Bill are Computer Engineers and Jennifer is a travel magazine editor. Jeff went to MIT so all anyone has to do is talk about any school and Dennis and Jeff will argue for hours about who had the harder curriculum.

Chuck told me that I needed to find a way to be happy and he was right. I've thought about it many times over the years. I have five of the closest friends anyone could have because deep down in my soul, I know I could not have been as happy with a lover. I had given all of my heart to Chuck. There was no taking that back and there was nothing left for anyone else.

So I had to the best of my ability, forgot about what I had lost with Chuck. Not to say that I didn't think about him. I did, and often, but I chose to remember the good times. I had even come to terms with Carina moving in and stealing him away from me. Because, deep down, I know she didn't steal him, I gave him away. And when I think of it like that, I'm glad it was Carina that got him and not some random girl.

But everything changed sixty seven days ago. When sitting in our little neighborhood bar like we do on most Saturday afternoons, I heard a news report about a writer and his family being involved in an airplane crash.

I went to see him, and as broken as he was, when we touched, I felt that same old shiver run down my spine.

He promised to call me when he got out of the hospital and took care of some business. My first week back in Boston went pretty good because I did not expect him to call that soon. By the end of the second week, I began to have doubts that he would call.

Thankfully, I got a call from Ellie in the third week which was merciful because I was going out of my mind waiting on the phone to ring. Ellie told me that Chuck had mentioned it numerous times that he was going to call me and most likely come out to see me. That gave me the assurance I needed to wait the next three days until he finally called. But Ellie said something else that gave me hope. She said that Chuck was still distraught, but the only time she sees that old spark in his eyes is when he talks about me.

Chuck's call came on a Tuesday night. It was about 8:00p.m. my time. We talked until 4:00a.m. the next morning. To this day I can't think of one thing that we talked about. But I know the conversation was easy and even at 4:00 a.m. when I couldn't keep my eyes open; I hated the thought of hanging up. I must have laughed more that night than in the previous year. And I know that he laughed as well. I'm sure he's not done much of that recently. But what pleased me the most was the next day, I got another call from Ellie who told me that whatever happened between Chuck and I did him a world of good. Not that he wasn't sad sometimes but she said it was like having the old Chuck back. That made my heart sing.

Chuck has called me everyday since so that now, here I sit, with my great friends waiting for the doorbell to ring. I'm so excited I can't sit still. I know my friends see a change in me. It's the little things like making eye contact with Kristen only to have her look at her Beer glass with a pleased smile on her face. Or, catching Kristen and Jennifer exchanging knowing glances.

The girls have known for some time that I had and lost the love of my life some years back. I'm sure they know it was Chuck, but no one has actually asked.

My friends don't know anything of my former life having learned long ago that I would not discuss it. I know that there has been much discussion between them about my past. Everything from a wanted criminal to someone in the witness protection program. There was even a time where I heard they were kicking around the idea that I was the wife of a mob boss who was on the run.

I finally had to set them all straight that my past wasn't nearly as flamboyant as they believed but that I would not discuss it. After that, it seemed to go away as a hot topic of discussion.

But I told Chuck during one of our phone calls that he would most likely get drilled about our past together. I laughed at his response. I was married to an ex-spy for six years…I know the routine.

I look at my watch. I can't believe how slow time is moving.

"For crying out loud, Sarah. If you look at your watch one more time I'm taking it off your wrist," Bill said. "You've got me looking at mine every thirty seconds now."

"Leave her alone Bill. She's just excited," Jennifer said.

"Ya think. That's what has us all so weirded out," Jeff said. "Sarah doesn't get excited. Sarah stays calm no matter what the circumstances."

"I'll tell you one thing, I can't wait to see the guy that turns Sarah Walker into a giggling schoolgirl," Dennis said, his mouth turning up as he gave me the eye.

I hear everyone around the table laugh at that. Just at that moment, the doorbell rings and I know my eyes are the size of saucers as I look at each of my friends.

My heart starts to race as I realize how important this meeting could be.

"Are you going to answer that, or just let the poor guy wait outside after flying across the continent to see you?" Bill said.

I hurry to the door, looking back at everyone with a huge grin on my face. I hesitate for only a second when I reach for the door. When I open it, my knees go week at the site of him. There is a sight I thought I would never see. Standing outside the door of my condo in Boston, is the best thing I've ever seen. Chuck Bartowski as I remember him from before, not the broken man I saw almost three months ago.

Our gaze meets and we both smile at the same time. His eyes dance as his smile grows. His hair is cut closer than I remember but it looks great on him. And best of all, I see no scars from the crash.

We stood smiling at each other.

"Let the poor guy in already," Jeff yelled out.

I laugh and quickly step aside giving him a path inside. Again we make eye contact. I honestly don't know how long we looked at each other like this but it had to be uncomfortably long, for Bill anyway because he said in a faux whisper loud enough for everyone to hear," Is he going to kiss her hello or just look at her all day."

Everyone laughed, including Chuck. I know he was as thankful as I was for the levity to ease that awkward first meeting.

Chuck reached down and I knew instinctively that he would kiss me on the cheek so I turned my face to him; he laid his right hand on my arm as he did.

I know that my friends were not aware but Chuck hesitated afterward taking a deep breath and closed his eyes for a brief instant as he took in the smell of me.

At that very moment, and only for a second, I wished my friends were not here.

But I turn him toward the dinning room and we begin to walk.

"Everyone, I want you to meet Chuck Bartowski…a very close friend of mine, I said as we got closer to the table. "Chuck this is; Dennis, Jennifer, Bill, Kristen and Jeff."

Everyone greeted each other pleasantly. The guys shook hands and the girls waived and smiled from their seats.

I notice all my friends scrutinizing him closely. I guess when I think about it, this is kind of a big moment for them given my past position on relationships. They have even accused me of being asexual at times.

"So, Chuck, how long have you known Sarah?" Jeff asked. He was normally the first to jump in.

Chuck looked at me for a clue. Not seeing anything, he addressed Jeff.

"I think it was the fall of 2007 wasn't it, Sarah?" Before I had time to answer, another question came at him.

"Did you meet at work?" Kristen said. Everyone was anxious to learn the details.

Chuck began to waiver. "You know, if Sarah hasn't told you about it, there must be a reason. I'll let her tell you."

"Aw, come on. That's no fun," Jennifer said.

"Where do you live?" Kristen said.

"LA or the LA area."

"Have you lived there your whole life?" Bill said.

"Yeah, except for four years at Stanford."

The girls rolled their eyes together at that.

"Stanford huh, what did you major in?" Dennis said.

"Double E," Chuck replied smiling now at the rapid questions being thrown his way.

"Jeff went to MIT and I went to the best engineering school in the country," Dennis said smugly.

Chuck waited for Dennis to continue but then looked at me when it was apparent that he was finished.

"Chuck, Dennis graduated with a Mechanical Engineering degree from Purdue. He just assumed you would know that Purdue was the best Engineering school in the country." Everyone around the table was smiling and some were giggling. I'm sure Chuck realized that this was part of the camaraderie.

"What?" Dennis said in mock surprise.

"Actually, I thought he was telling me he went to Stanford too," Chuck said joining in the fun.

"Don't do that, Chuck. Don't get Dennis and Jeff going about school unless you've got a couple of hours to devote to it. And today…you don't," I said staring down Dennis.

"Well, as much as I would enjoy that conversation, I will heed to the wishes of my beautiful hostess.

I move everyone over and place an extra chair beside me and we set down. When we're seated, Chuck looks at me and the connection is immediate. I know my friends notice. I knew that by their individual expressions after I broke free of his oasis eyes.

"Okay, enough of the easy questions. What I want to know is…" Dennis looked at everyone around the table. "Am I still the only guy at the table to make out with Sarah?" He kept his face completely serious.

Everyone began to laugh.

"Dennis, you promised," I said to him with faux hostility.

As everyone continued to laugh harder, Chuck looked at me with a confused expression.

"Chuck, Dennis and I never made out."

"You remember it your way and I'll remember it mine," he said faking hurt feelings.

I still see Chuck looking for an explanation. Not that he was upset; he just didn't get the joke.

"When I first came to Boston, I enrolled at B.C. I met Dennis there. Before I knew any of the others, we went out on a date. It wasn't even a date really."

"It was too. I asked you out and you said yes. That ladies and gentlemen is a date." Dennis stated the argument as though he was addressing a jury.

"Okay, whether it was a date or not is irrelevant. The point is we never made out."

"What would you call lip locking? In fact, Chuck. If it wasn't for my high morels and good solid character, I'm afraid to think what might of happened." Dennis looked around the room with a perfectly practiced straight face.

"The story gets even wilder every time you tell it, Dennis. Another time or two and I'll end up pregnant."

Without missing a beat, Dennis added, "The abortion cost me three hundred bucks."

Everyone began to laugh again and they laughed even harder when they locked at my expression.

"Chuck, after our date, Dennis gave me a peck on the lips…it was awful, like kissing my brother. I saw the same sentiment on his face too. But, since he's the only one of the group to even do that, he makes a big deal out of it."

"Don't listen to her, Chuck. My advice to you…Don't let her kiss you goodnight. You never know how that might turn out."

"If I had to guess, I'd say your advice is at least six years too late," Jennifer said and the laughter died down as Chuck and I shared a moment.

At that moment, it hit me as silly that I had never shared my life with my friends, that I had never told them about Chuck or my former life. I knew I could trust them. I hesitated for a second collecting my thoughts.

"I fell in love with Chuck around Christmas of 2007," I said and you could have heard a pin drop…literally. I made eye contact with everyone around the table so that I could share this moment with each of them. I had tears in my eyes, but I was smiling.

"I worked for the government and Chuck become involved in a project I was working on." I didn't want to get too specific.

"Anyway, I knew he was in love with me too, but because of job rules and my own insecurities, I let him slip through my fingers. I've regretted it every day of my life since," I said looking at him.

There was an uncomfortable silence as my friends processed this information.

"Chuck, we're sorry to hear about your wife and daughter," Kristen said to fill the silence.

"Sarah, did you know Chuck's wife?" Jennifer said. She was always the intuitive one of the bunch.

I shot Chuck a quick smile. "Yeah, before he did actually. She was my best friend."

"What!" Jeff said, echoing the sentiment around the table.

"Hold on, guys. I left him. For six years without a means to contact me. He had no way of knowing if he would ever see me again. I've had years to think about this." I look at Chuck before continuing. "I've come to the inescapable conclusion that I'm responsible for the mess I made of my life then."

Chuck covered my hand with his and gave me an appreciative smile.

"Do you like rock climbing, Chuck?" Bill asked.

It probably seemed like an innocent statement to Chuck but I knew that all of my friends were anxiously waiting to hear his response. They realize that Chuck is the Yoko Ono of our group. They know that his impact could be small if he was an adventurer like us or large if not.

"I doubt if Chuck is into rock climbing," I say trying to run interference for him.

"Not true, I've been climbing for more than four years now," he said, smiling at my surprise.

"Great, what else are you into?" Kristen asked.

"I bike, I run, I ski, I'm a pilot," he said but his voice trailed off badly at that.

I knew immediately that it was Chuck at the controls when his plane went down.

"Really, we could have used Chuck two years ago," Bill said.

"How's that?" Chuck said.

"No, no, no, no," Kristen said. "I want to hear more about Chuck and Sarah back then."

I glance at Chuck briefly. "There's nothing more to tell. I go away for six years and when I come back to LA, I find he's married to Carina. That's really about all there is to tell," I said.

"How did you end up out here?" Dennis asked.

"We have Chuck to thank for that too," I said, looking at him and smiling as I remembered that painful time. "I had planned to go back to my old job when I found out about Carina, but something he said to me started me thinking." I look at him. "Do you remember?"

Chuck smiled with misty eyes and nodded his head.

"You said that I deserved happiness and that I should go out and make some of it for myself. I thought about it and the rest is history." I laid my left hand on top of his that was already on my right hand. We look at each other and I go so deep into his eyes that I forget that there was anyone else in the room.

"Hey guys, why don't we get out of here and let them have some time to catch up?" Kristen said.

They all stood at once and filed out of my condo.

"See ya later, Sarah," Dennis said.

"Bye," Jeff and Bill echoed.

"Call me tomorrow," Kristen and Jennifer said at the same time and laughed at the coincidence.

When they closed the door, I felt slightly uncomfortable alone with Chuck.

"You want something to drink?" I asked.

"Sure, what ya got?"

"Corona, Bud Light and Sam Adams."

"Better make it a Sam Adams since I'm in Boston," he said smiling at me.

I got his beer and feel my heart pounding in my chest as I walked back to him. I watch him take a drink after opening the bottle with the opener I provided.

He looks at me with a raised eyebrow and smiles. "Very good," he said and then fell silent as he realized that he/we are trying to hard.

"Look Sarah, Look Chuck, we said in unison and laugh. I'm reminded that we did that a lot when we had something important to say.

"Sarah, let me say this and maybe I can relax a little." He took a deep breath.

"If there's one thing I've learned since I met you, it's that if you want something…really want it. Then you go for it. And, you don't stop until you get it."

I'm not sure but I hope he's going where I think he's going.

"And, well, here's the thing." He took another breath. "I know I don't want to live another day without knowing that you're in my life. I don't know if you feel the same way but I had to tell you-"

He never got to finish that sentence because my lips became a barrier to clear and effective communication.

We kissed passionately, until we both needed a breath.

"Here's the thing, Sarah. I know I've got to get through some things here in the next couple of months but while I'm doing that, I want you to know that I don't intend on being a widower for very long."

I begin to smile as I understand his meaning.

"Yes," I say and we kiss again. But this time we were interrupted by Chuck's cell phone. He broke off our embrace and pulled it from his pocket.

"I don't believe it," he said looking at me and made the connection.

"Casey, you old dog, I haven't heard from you in years. What's the occasion," he says smiling at me.

"I got word that you were headed to Boston. I wanted to give you a message for Walker."

"She's right here; I'll put it on speaker."

"Casey, is that you," I ask.

"This is good timing. Walker, do you remember a conversation we had before you left LA?"

I begin to smile because I know exactly what he's going to ask. "Yes, I remember."

You didn't figure it out in time back then but I was hoping that maybe now you've had time to think about it."

"What are you two talking about?" Chuck asks.

I smile and shake my head at the memory. "Casey told me not to over-think men. He said there are only two things they desire from a good woman. The first is easy…sex. But it took me a long time to understand what the second one was. But I can tell you what it is, John."

"Yes, I believe you can, Sarah. Treat him and yourself well." Casey didn't say goodbye he simply disconnected the line. We never even knew where he was calling from.

Chuck looked at me with a puzzled expression. "What was all that about?"

"The secret to happiness, Chuck. You want to know what it is?"

"The secret of happiness from John Casey, you bet," Chuck said a little awestruck.

"Like he said, the first key to happiness for a man in a relationship with a woman is a lot of hot, steamy sex," I say as seductively as I know how. It must have been effective because Chuck starts to actually sweat.

"And the second?" he said, his voice a half an octave higher.

"Mind you this is one of those secrets found right under your nose. It's amazing to me how simple it is, but rarely practiced."

"What are you talking about, Sarah?"

"Respect," I say simply. "Respect a good man for what he is and he'll be better than he was.

"Oh," Chuck said a little disappointed in the answer it seemed to me.

X=X

We talked for most of the afternoon when I noticed Chuck getting antsy. "Is something wrong?" I asked.

"No, I just need to think about getting a hotel room."

"Nonsense, you can stay here for the night."

"I don't know, Sarah. I think I'd be more comfortable getting a room tonight."

I wanted to ask him again to stay with me. But I recognized his need. "Chuck, I would really be happy to have you stay with me, but if for some reason you'd be more comfortable at a hotel, we'll get you one," I said.

I see him thinking. "You really want me to stay?"

"Very much, but I'll understand if you need to go to the hotel." I watch him silently go through whatever issues he's dealing with. I know that if he chooses to go to the hotel, I will need to be Okay with that.

"Maybe it would be Okay, if I stayed here. That way we can spend five more minutes talking."

"That's right; in the meantime, I'll show you your room."

X=X

John Casey walked into his apartment in Washington, DC. It was 4:00 a.m. and he was exhausted. He hadn't been there for over three months. He threw his bags in the corner and went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. He noticed the answering machine light flashing which was unusual because only three people had this number, other than himself.

Not really wanting to go back into the field this quickly, he grimaces as he hits the button.

"Casey, it's Chuck., Sarah's here with me. We know this is a long shot but it's the best we could do. Sarah pulled a few strings she still had and got this number. We're getting married on October 10th, in LA. We would love for you to come. We're getting married on the beach, you know the place. Hope to see you."

Casey smiled. "October 10th, huh," he said looking at his watch. "Oh shit, that's tomorrow." He walked over and picked up his bag. Pulling his phone from his pocket, he dialed a number.

"Yeah, I need a ride to the West coast. No, that's too late. Goddamnit, I'm not going to miss this appointment because someone hasn't had their beauty sleep. I've not been to sleep in thirty six hours so you tell somebody to get their ass out of bed and fuel up a 16 or I'll have my boot up someone's ass."

Casey closed the door to his apartment and walked to the elevator. As he did, he passed a young man just walking out of the elevator. He looked despondent.

"Cheer up, Pal. I guarantee you that miracles happen. What seems to be the problem?"

"It's this girl."

Casey stopped him mid-sentence. "Do yourself a favor. Go get her. If you want her, tell her. If she says no, then that's all you can do."

The young man seemed to brighten at the advice. "Thanks mister."

Casey stepped into the elevator. "Go get her kid. I guarantee today, after the news I just received, today is the day. Go get her."

The kid watch the older man as the elevator doors slip shut.

"I wonder what story he has to tell," he muttered to himself as he dialed a phone number.

The End.


End file.
